She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
