So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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