I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
