Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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