You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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