I wish my penis had an off switch
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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