I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
there is puke in my bra ... again
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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