Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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