You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
