you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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