You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm passing your future prison.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
