Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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