just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
