Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
