I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
