I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Fuck appropriateness.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
