the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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