Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
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You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
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My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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