I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
