I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
