Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
