new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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