textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
