I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
