I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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