I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
