i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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