Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
