The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
