Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
