He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
