I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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