Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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