she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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