Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
