you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
