I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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