Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
