Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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