if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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