cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Randomize
