Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
