And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
