cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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