The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i think i just lost a toe
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
