There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I think I am morally bankrupt
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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