Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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