I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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