So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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