I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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