Betty ford says i'm here all night
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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