I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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