I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
