he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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