Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
