Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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