sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
