Pappa wants mamma naked
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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