OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
is it fun? or sober?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
